This is a piece I wrote two months after the death of my husband. It now forms part of my new book Not Your Legacy – OUT NOW on Amazon.

COLD

I’ve decided I’m going to write this letter as though you could still read it, if only you hadn’t killed yourself. An odd decision to make I know, but in my books it’s not nearly as odd as committing suicide. And yet it must have made perfect sense to you. If only you could somehow come back and explain it to me and the kids. It can never make any sense to us. You have deprived us of the answers we deserve along with so many other things.

It’s almost like an avalanche is doing its best to bury me alive; pressing down on me, crushing me relentlessly. There must be literally thousands of questions buzzing through my head. Like a shower of snowflakes they’re all different. I always have to have the answers. You’ve always known that that’s the way I am. So what kind of parting gift was this? A snowstorm or a shit storm which ever you prefer and not a single answer in sight! Is that what you wanted?

All these questions piling one on top of the other – each one leaving me colder than the one before. There is no one to share them with, to stop me from sinking down and disappearing forever beneath their weight. I can push them aside when I’m feeling strong enough, but when night time comes along or a day that feels wrong from the start, what am I supposed to do then?

Today is one of those days. What makes one day harder than another? Another question with no satisfying answer.

What about our children? Surely the way you were feeling could never be more important than their happiness? They need you. I am not enough.

I feel cold. Cold at the thought of what lies ahead for us. Cold at the thought that you were so determined. Cold at the thought that you wanted this for us. Colder than ice when I remember how I found you.

Not Your Legacy

by: Samantha J Wright

published: 2014-05-26

ASIN: B00KLHWUP0

sales rank: 526843

After a chance meeting at the age of sixteen, Sam leaves behind her father and her reformed alcoholic mother and moves to Northern Ireland to set up home with a man she barely knows.

The two of them continue to practice the religion they were both raised in but scratch below the surface and life’s not what it appears. This story documents her battle with depression, abuse, the aftermath of suicide, a troubled marriage, and most of all her disastrous involvement with the Jehovah’s Witness church.

It’s a journey that cost her dearly and as many of her readers have already discovered, Not Your Legacy is far more than just a series of real life events. It retells the story of one woman’s metamorphosis of mind, body and soul.

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