New Book Coming 2025 – ‘Ashes Beneath the Moon’

Hello dear readers!

I’m so excited to finally let you know about my new book.

‘Ashes Beneath the Moon’ will be part of a full length erotic fiction series of novels that covers many difficult topics including trauma, betrayal, assault, illness, addiction and abuse.

The aim is to create a body of work that is ‘real’ or ‘realistic’ in that it acknowledges that we are all sensual beings but also flawed and damaged in various ways. It aspires to create awareness, to tell a story, to entertain and uplift.

As I am fully immersing myself and investing in this project, my short story writing and other works will be on hold. Even so, there are hundreds of posts still available for my dedicated fans to read here on my website. And as ever, I am contactable by email or on social media, should you want or need to get in touch or comment.

Continue to check back on this page throughout 2025 for further updates.

Much love and gratitude

Samantha x

Playlist

Preface

He walks around the bed in the half light, like something rescued from the Dachau concentration camp. He is without doubt the ugliest man I’ve ever been with. He farts as he moves. Wet ones that threaten to trickle down his leg. The room is thick with the stench of his half rotted innards, eked hour by hour during the night. But I want him. Vile as he is, he is mine. And I cannot do without him.

His repulsiveness does not merely extend to appearances. He is astoundingly selfish. He is an alcoholic. Just as I am. What reason his torment exists is a mystery. There’s no rape or sexual assaults in his history. No broken or troubled home. His is a life of privilege. A more spoilt, entitled and demanding man you could never meet. He is astoundingly sexist. A dirty wretched pervert, who sees women and girls as nothing more than a commodity. He formed and belongs to a Whatsapp group of men called ‘The Sex Pistols.’ They share porn, sports chat and general mindless banter. 

There is no mistaking what he is. He has no shame. The surprises are few. He is safe. Sort of. The worst he can do is attack me with words. I’m immune to those by now anyway. 

‘It’s your fault you got raped,’ stung very slightly, last night, I admit. But I know it isn’t true anyway. 

He’s back now from creating his midnight fecal Jackson Pollock in the toilet bowl. 

He gets under the covers so that only his unnaturally small head is poking above, the fluffy baby bird hair sticking out at ridiculous angles, cast in sharp relief against the light coming in through the window. I feel a surge of affection for this pathetic thing. 

If I can love him, then I must be deserving of love too.  

In this way, we are perfect in our imperfection.

Chapter One

I’m supposed to be sad. There is only anger. Anger so blazing white hot, so unfocused that it has me by the tail. It thrashes me against the walls of my mind. Everything it encounters it obliterates. If you exist, I want you fucking dead, according to LYSSA. Have you met her? She is ill. 

I’m supposed to be happy with the noise. 

Do you know what the ‘noise’ is that I am referring to?

‘She’s pretty.’

‘She’s hot.’

She’s trouble.’

‘Did you see tonight’s episode?’

‘Do you know what she’s done now?’

The internet is forever. Pour me a tall cold glass of forever. 

Choke me with it.

There was something in the way that she moved. Long legs reaching. Each stride purposeful and taking her closer to where she wanted and needed to be. Every heel strike a charming staccato declaring what she was. All woman. She vibrated with energy, long hair swaying, her face alight with happiness.

She was free. Out of the house. Out of his life. Out of danger. 

Hand on the door, she had no qualms about the greeting she would get once inside. The patrons and staff were always glad to see her. Well most of them, except for the dour faced lesbian, Nicky who sometimes served behind the bar. She had taken it upon herself to befriend him and Shauna knew why. Nicky just loved to gossip. And she delighted in anything she could winkle out of people in order to try to put her down. 

One afternoon she had plied her ex Ian with Guinness after Guinness and let him fill her ear with private matters concerning their relationship, that she had no business knowing. Naturally she didn’t keep it to herself either. 

But that wouldn’t happen again. He was gone now and had been warned by the police not to come near her or speak to her again. So far he had kept to it. 

Sure enough, the usual suspects were there to greet her. Mostly old retired men or a few who had got the day off from work. So where else would they be in the four thousand strong village with only a shop, a butcher, a church and a pub? 

She could hear old Pat in the games room hammering the fruit machine and cursing.

‘Dirty wee bitch!’ he’d growl, smacking the buttons with his palm. Most likely he’d been in from opening time. 

Mack was tossing darts at the board in between supping his beer. As usual, he looked like he had just rolled out of bed fully dressed, rumpled and smelling of stale stress sweat and fags.

Several guys were in the lounge, newspapers open, reading form. They all greeted her in some way or other. She responded amiably and approached the bar, setting her bag on a stool. 

‘What can I get you Shauna?’ asked Andy.

‘The usual please. G n T. No healthy stuff. Just ice.’

He smiled at her referring to the slices of lime and lemon as healthy stuff. 

‘You’ve no need of health stuff. You’re fit enough,’ said Vince, nursing his drink beside her. He also looked like he was nursing a hangover.

‘Flattery will get you everywhere,’ Shauna quipped. 

Vince chuckled from beneath his mustache. 

‘Is that so?’

‘So they say.’

Andy set her drink down and she took out her purse to pay. She took a large sip and went to sit beneath the window alongside Dean. Not too close though. She left a space. He noticed.

‘I don’t bite you know,’ he told her with his characteristic mocking eyes. He had the eyes of someone who knew all your secrets and would use them against you.

‘That’s not what I’ve heard,’ she said, hoping he’d leave her alone.

Memories of walking back to his place after closing time for ‘tea and biscuits’ rose up. He definitely did bite.

He laughed awkwardly and inquired about how she was and how work was going. As always he asked too many questions, so she lied to him or brushed him off. From the hatch way she could sense Mack observing quietly, his second or third pint lifted to his thin lips.

She’d kissed those lips too. And she shouldn’t have. Her mood was suddenly turning sour at these reminders, so she was pleased when Matt walked in through the door. In fact she’d been hoping he would.

This was someone she could have an actual conversation with. Someone who piqued her interest. He was quite intelligent. And he had a habit of challenging her and those around him. 

He glanced at her, dark hair flopping and casually said, ‘well trouble.’

She stifled a giggle and returned her own more restrained greeting. The others engaged in banter as he ordered his drink from the bar. Shauna sat observing his figure from where she was seated and wondered where he would choose to sit. There were plenty of spaces. 

Her heart did a little flutter when he came over with his Guinness and sat next to her and Dean. Dean’s eyes momentarily lost their sparkle. She knew what that meant.

‘Well how’s the Rottweiler today?’ asked Matt.

Dean recovered his poise quickly. 

‘Not too bad. And how’s yourself?’

‘Getting on with it. What else can ya do?’

‘This is it,’ agreed several of the men. 

He took a series of thirsty gulps from his Guinness and Shauna pretended to be absorbed in the horse racing. His denim clad leg was awfully close to hers and she noticed the more he drank the less it bounced. He engaged in chit chat with the rest and when everyone seemed to have focused on something else, he leaned close and asked her if she had a bet on in this race.

‘No, I haven’t done any yet.’

‘Not like you?’

‘Well I came out in a bit of a hurry. I wasn’t going to come out today but I decided I was better off out of the house.’

‘Yeah. No good looking at four walls. Hey Todd, pass us that paper there will ya. Shauna here is going to pick us a winner.’

There was some laughter at this. It wasn’t that Shauna couldn’t pick a winner, it was just that the men hadn’t quite gotten over the novelty of a woman having more than a passing interest in racing. Truth be told, most of them figured she only did it to fit in. But that wasn’t true. She had grown up in a family where betting and horse racing were of deep interest.

Matt put the paper on the table in front of them and spread it open. Shauna put her glasses on.

‘Got that sexy librarian look going on today I see,’ said Dean, sniggering. 

‘Cheeky!’

Shauna didn’t look up. 

‘You’ve nearly finished your drink,’ said Matt. ‘I’ll get you another.’

‘Oh. Thank you.’

‘Same again?’

‘Yes please.’

He went to the bar and came back with their drinks. 

‘Thank you.’

‘You want one, Dean?’

‘No thanks. I’m heading on here. Going to leave you two love birds to it.’

Matt’s face fell.

As he got up and left, he called out over his shoulder, ‘If you fancy tea and biscuits again later Shauna, give me a shout.’

He went off chuckling to himself.

‘Tea and biscuits? What the hell is he on about?’ asked Vince to Mack who had watched the entire exchange from the hatchway. 

‘I don’t think we want to know mate,’ said Mack.

From inside Shauna’s bag, her phone pinged. She didn’t check it. She knew who it was and what it would say. Instead she picked out a few horses and wrote them on the betting slips that Matt had bought over. Reaching into her bag for her purse, she gave him the money. He went to the bar to place them and she only then checked her phone.

I told you Dean was bad news. He can’t keep his mouth shut. And he doesn’t like anyone giving you attention mate.

I know. But I can’t do anything about it now. What’s done is done.

Matt returned to their table and she put her phone away. After several more drinks, they went into the games room to play pool just as Pat staggered out to go home after losing all his money on the fruit machines. As soon as he was out the door, Vince pulled up a tatty velour covered red bar stool and sat feeding coins into the abandoned machine. Within ten minutes he hit the jackpot and out poured all the old guys money. 

Matt shook his head. Obviously he didn’t agree with what had just happened. Vince couldn’t careless and gleefully collected his winnings. From over by the hatch, Mack teased him, pretending to be shocked.

‘Vince, how could ya? I don’t know how ya sleep at night.’

The two of them laughed and joked while Shauna concentrated on trying to win Matt at pool. 

She was very aware as she bent over the table that all eyes were on her. As she often did, she was wearing tight jeans that emphasized her figure. Today she was wearing white with long black boots and more than once she had noticed Matt looking. 

The afternoon went very well with some mild flirting until just before four o’clock his phone rang. She wondered who it was. She thought she could hear a female voice faintly and her heart sank. Briefly, he went outside for privacy.

Mack’s eyes met hers knowingly. He smirked and said nothing. She took her shot a little too savagely just as her current bet was pipped at the post by a horse Mack had obviously backed. He pumped the air with his fist and let out a hiss of triumph.

‘For fuck’s sake!’ snapped Shauna, as the red ball bounced out of the pocket and smashed into the black. Matt came in just as Mack was collecting his winnings.

‘Sorry Mrs but I’ve gotta go. Ex needs me to pick the kids up from school. Maybe you can finish up for me?’ he said to Mack.

Mack raised an eyebrow and took the cue from him.

‘Shouldn’t take very long,; he said jokingly.

‘Watch him Shauna,’ called Andy from behind the bar. ‘He’s a right shark, that one.’

No sooner had he finished his warning and Mack stalked around the table efficiently potting every single ball until the table was cleared. Shauna moodily turned her back on him and finished her G n T. She could sense her opponent gloating even though facing the wall but she continued to ignore him.

Suddenly a fresh G n T appeared at her elbow and a voice whispered in her ear, ‘that will cheer you up girl.’

She turned round, unable to hold back her smile at his genuinely kindly face. 

‘Am I forgiven?’

‘I guess,’ she replied, sipping her drink. 

She’d lost count of how many she’d had now and what was the point in counting anyway as long as she had a good time?

She was disappointed Matt had left but Mack cheered her up by keeping her company. Although she saw him as just a friend, flirtation inevitably crept in and others weren’t slow to catch it.

The constant banter and jokes. Nudging. A tickle to her ribs. All of it was noticed. They could both see tongues were wagging but neither of them cared until Keith walked through on his way to the toilets and said something Shauna couldn’t quite catch that turned Mack’s face to thunder.

His entire disposition changed immediately. He strutted and stamped about as he took his next few shots.

‘What’s up Mack? What did he say?’

‘Nothin’.

‘Well he must have said something. You’re behaving like someone pissed in your beer.’

‘Doesn’t matter.’

‘It does matter. You’re upset.’

‘No point in us both being upset mate.’

Just as Shauna was about to disagree, his phone rang. He checked it and scowled. The penny dropped with Shauna.

‘It’s her, isn’t it?’

‘Yup.’

‘You should answer it.’

Mack ignored her and continued the game. His phone rang a second time. And a third time. Finally, he answered it.

‘Ello! Yes. Yes. I’m at the bar…You knew that’s where I was going…I’m not having this conversation right now. I’ll be back home when I’m ready. Right. See you in a bit.’

He stuffed his phone back in his pocket and blew out his cheeks, shaking his head. For a moment he said nothing. Then…

‘That’s them uns in there, talking crap about us. Stuff that’s none of their fucking business. Nothing better to do. Someone’s told her I’m in here playing pool with you.’

‘So what?’ said Shauna. ‘You play pool with lots of people.’

‘I know! She just has a bee in her bonnet about you. I’ll finish this game and then I’d better go mate.’ 

Shauna watching him go glumly no long after. Even though eyes were on them, she gave him a friendly hug before he left. It was the only human contact she was likely to have unless she went home with some other guy from the bar. And she really didn’t want to do that.

The racing continued to the tapeta track at Southwell. The flood lights were on because the skies were now dark and her mood so aptly mirrored followed suit. 

Once comfortable in the scruffy old man’s bar earlier in the day, she now felt alone and out of place. The home she had to go back to only offered more loneliness. A brick and mortar box of broken promises, broken dreams and restless unending nights. It held echoes of death. Echoes of pain. Anything that took her from it had to be better. 

So when she ordered another drink and the bar man told her that Matt had said he might be back later, she decided in her heart that she would stay just in case. There was something in his voice when he spoke to her, that offered warmth. The way he often gravitated towards her, took away the chill she felt when contemplating the world. Just like her G n T’s. And just like sex. 

So when he appeared around nine O’clock and she had spent the whole day drinking, virtually every man in the bar buying her a round, she was eminently pliable and relaxed. He didn’t seem to be interested in continuing where they had left off though. He went and sat at the bar and seemed to brood like a storm cloud. 

Chat was scarce in the bar. His demeanor seemed to dampen things. People drifted home and the crowd of regulars dwindled. 

Now thoroughly tipsy, Shauna boldly sat at the bar too but away from him. She chatted with the bar man and played Youtube songs since they both had the same taste. Eventually Matt joined in shortly before closing. He came over and sat beside her. Andy went out leaving the bar deserted other than just the two of them. She looked up to say something and his dark gaze pierced her. Seizing the moment his lips recklessly found hers and she almost gasped at the ferocity. 

‘I’ve been watching you for months you know,’ he told her.

Taken aback, she felt shock and then that gave way to feelings of flattery.

‘Haven’t you noticed?’

She laughed.

‘Not really.’

He looked displeased. Andy returned but could sense a change in the air. 

‘If I could ask you folks to finish up now please so I can close.’

‘Yep. No bother,’ said Matt, draining his glass.

Shauna did the same and the two of them said goodbye and went outside into the cold night air. He kissed her again, pressing his body against hers. They pulled apart and he took her by the hand, leading her to his house. 

‘I’ve got some gin in the house if you fancy another drink?’

‘Sure,’ she said, feeling certain he had a specific goal in mind.

As it turned out she wasn’t wrong.

Chapter Two

There was no gin. There was no romance. There was only a base animal where Matt had once existed. Once through the door he pounced on her. His hunger visceral. His want of her undeniable. In his eagerness to subdue her and take the void inside her began to close. Her eyes, although trained on a spot on the wall, they beheld nothing because there was nothing. 

‘You can only be mine!’ he spat, as he rammed himself up inside her, clothes round her ankles, pushed forward, back hunched. Even in that moment a spark of herself that emerged from the desolate plateau of dissociation, wondered if he might somehow care.

That spark awoke again at various times throughout the night, with some part of her she would roundly curse later, pleading with him not to leave her when he pulled himself upwards instead of keeping his body tight to hers.

Who was she pleading with, she would ask herself later? It wasn’t him. Who had abandoned her? Who hadn’t abandoned her? It was a very small list.

Night became morning. And when he had exhausted himself, she crept out onto the street. The air was fresh. Street lights still glowed. She did not. Each step hurt. She told herself it was not too far. Home would be soon. She could retreat there and forget. Wash away the blood seeping down her legs. 

‘I don’t do it that way,’ she had said.

‘Let me try. If it hurts I’ll stop.’

It did hurt. He didn’t stop. 

She had gone there.

To his house.

It didn’t matter.

More tea and biscuits.

She’d hurt herself.

In the afternoon, she pushed away the bad and searched for the good.

He didn’t want anyone else to have her. So that must be good right?

Someone wanted her. Maybe he might grow to care for her properly. Perhaps.

That evening she was very sore. Very bruised. A warm bath helped. And painkillers. She wondered what he was doing but she didn’t feel well enough to go out.

The next night was different. Moutrey’s Bar again was full of the usual crowd. Matt was nowhere to be seen. As a rule, Mack avoided paying too much attention to her publicly in case his wife got wind of it but he saw something in her when she walked through the door that disturbed him.

‘You alright,’ he said, catching her by the arm as she walked through to the toilets.

‘Yeah. Why?’

‘I don’t know,’ he said, pulling back to scan her face. Searching. She shrugged.

‘A dicky bird told me you might have gone home with him the other night.’

Shauna rolled her eyes.

‘Did ya?’

‘Nobody’s business Mack. People round here talk far too much.’

‘Yeah. You needn’t tell me that. But did he treat ya alright mate? You ok? You don’t seem it. You know I worry about you after how that bastard Ian was.’

‘We don’t talk about him. I haven’t come here to escape to talk about that piece of shit.’

‘You’re right. Neither of us have. You are ok though?’

‘Yes! Why don’t you set the table up while I go powder my nose and then I’ll show you how to play?’

He threw back his head and laughed, his white hair glittering under the spotlights.

‘Right you be.’

He jumped up off his stool.

‘Well go on then! Don’t take all day!’

She laughed and did as she was told for once. For the next few hours they talked and laughed in between his smoking breaks, shooting pool and aimless flirting. The place was just beginning to empty, when a text came through on her phone.

Well Mrs, what you at the night?

There was no recognised contact number.

Who’s this?

Matt. I’m in Daphne’s Bar on main street. Stumbling round drunk here. Lol.

Her face flushed.

Mack noticed but said nothing.

How did you get my number?

You don’t want to know. I’m going home now. Want me to pick you up? Where are ya?

I’m in Moutrey’s.

Be there in ten mins. Will text you when I’m out front.

She frowned, knowing he was driving but agreed. Mack understood straight away.

‘That was him wasn’t it?’

‘Who?’

‘Pretty boy.’

‘Not many of them round here!’

‘You know who I mean. Matt.’

She beamed.

‘Yeah. He’s picking me up.’

Mack’s face darkened.

‘Oh right. So you just fuck off and cheerio? Thanks for the games, bye bye?’

‘Don’t be silly. It’s almost turning out time here anyway and you’ll be going home to Ruth and the dogs.’

‘So you’re going to his then?’

‘Probably. No reason why I shouldn’t,’

He went quiet and carefully potted the remaining balls. Her phone sounded again. She checked it and hastily threw on her jacket.

‘He’s here,’ she said, giving him a hug. ‘Text ya later.’

‘You be careful ok?’ he said seriously.

‘I will. Bye bud!’

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